New Bruins alternate jersey unveiled for games against Habs

The new updated Bruin alternate jersey

On the heels of yet another loss to the Canadiens, the Boston Bruins have decided to update their wardrobe in time for their next match against Montreal. 

The update to Boston's alternate jersey, though minor, is seen by the Bruins to better represent their style of play when taking on the 24-time Stanley Cup champions.

"Last night was just another glaring example of how the Montreal Canadiens will always dominate our franchise," said Bruins Director of Marketing Steven Guthwaite. "Our guys may just as well have skated onto the Bell Centre ice with those red dominatrix gag-balls shoved in their mouths."

In front of another 21,273-strong sellout at the Bell Centre, Boston looked to be cruising to victory at the 57-minute mark of the game. Then the roof fell in, with the Habs striking for two late goals to send the game to overtime before Max Pacioretty made Bruin goalie Tim Thomas his bitch with a great wrist shot to the top corner to seal the comeback for the Canadiens.

So it was that at a post-game press conference the Bruins unveiled their new duds, which will be worn exclusively in games against the Canadiens. The new jersey mostly resembles the current Briuns' alternate, with the exception of the word "Bruins" in the chest logo being replaced with the word "Bitches", referring to the role that the Bostonians play when they tangle with the Habs. 

When asked about the term used to describe the Bruins on the new jersey, Guthwaite defended the choice, saying that the best uniforms represent the true identity of the teams that wear them.

"In going over the long history of matchups between the two teams, we wanted to make sure that we came up with the one term that best described our franchise. And that word is 'bitches'. For example, in the 1950's the Habs made us their bitches in the Stanley Cup finals three times, and then a couple of more times in the 70's. We had that record-breaking Bruin team in 1971, but the Canadiens showed us who was the boss in the first round. And don't even talk to me about 1979. Don Cherry can kiss my wrinkly ass."

Mr. Guthwaite continued, "Sure, there have been a few high points, like in 1988 when we beat the Canadiens for our first playoff win against them in 45 years, then we were pretty good against them until the mid-90's, even though it was the Habs that won the Cup, and not us. Then there was that string of nine wins a couple of seasons ago, but that's been it. Since then, (9 games) just one measly win."

On a positive side, the Bruins say that if the new look is successful with the fans they plan on rolling out an entire line of Bitches-branded Bruin merchandise, including dog collars, leashes, and leather whips and riding crops.
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