Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Leafs face huge lawsuit

The Toronto Maple Leafs, losers of six consecutive games, and with just one win in their past ten, are now facing more hard times in the form of a lawsuit by vacuum cleaner giant Dyson.

“It came to our attention that the Toronto Maple Leafs were possibly infringing on various Dyson patents and technologies by attempting to suck harder and more consistently than any other team in the NHL“, said a statement released yesterday by Dyson. “By sucking for most of the last 43 years, the Leafs are obviously looking to, like the Dyson brand of vacuum cleaners, not diminish their sucking power over time. It’s something that as a company we need to address.”

Dyson, headed by British inventor James Dyson, brought their first model of vacuum to market in 1983 after large existing companies like Hoover dismissed Dyson’s cyclonic separation technology. Dyson’s system uses centrifugal force to capture the dirt instead of a traditional bag. It’s estimated that the Dyson Company is now worth over 2 billion dollars.

Dyson vacuum, basis of the recent lawsuit against the Toronto Maple Leafs

“Trust me, this is no idle threat”, claimed Dyson. “We sued Hoover over patent infringement and won, so we’re not above taking on the Maple Leafs in this matter.”

Dyson is also looking into allegations that the Leafs may be using other Dyson inventions without permission.

“We’ve been made aware of the Maple Leaf bandwagon having been equipped with a rudimentary form of ball support system in lieu of traditional wheels. While this would undoubtedly allow it to operate in the stressful environment of increased bandwagon hopping and subsequent bandwagon departure, and allow it to change directions on a dime, Dyson vacuums have been using the ball support system since 1995, which in turn was an adaptation of the Dyson Ballbarrow first used in 1977. Additionally, our legal department is also looking into the possible misuse of our Air Multiplier fan technology, which the Maple Leafs may be using to challenge the very laws of physics by both sucking and blowing hard at the same time.”

In a statement responding to the Dyson allegations, MLSE President and CEO Richard Peddie acknowledged, “With the Leafs having been shut out three times in the last two weeks, and having managed just eight goals over our current six game losing streak, we understand that Dyson could misinterpret our current sucking as an infringement on certain Dyson properties. But we take exception to their claim that we’re not diminishing our sucking power over time. After all, we were pretty good for a couple of years back in the early nineties, and possibly one back in the seventies.”

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